The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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