EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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