2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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