I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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