Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
