The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
