Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
