So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
