I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
