i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
