Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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