It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
