on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
