God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
