Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
