she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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