My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
