The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
