Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
