did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
