your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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