i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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