Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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