All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
