I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
