The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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