I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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