I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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