The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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