Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
