I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
