I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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