i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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