Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
