worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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