Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Someone signed my nipple.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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