dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
