I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
zippers are such a cool invention
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
