she woke up with a sticky ear
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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