We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
