Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
