if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
