pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
