Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it wasn't lemon gatorade
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
