gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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