Someone shit on the floor
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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