i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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