Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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