I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
