Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
