did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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