He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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