I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
