The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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