I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
A bitchslap is in order.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
