I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize