he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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