1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
