she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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