I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
