Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
