On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
