I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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