My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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