The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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