hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
